Poetic Confessions
by Cassandra Mulder
Summary: Scully's been doing a little writing. When Mulder finds her notebook by accident, what will be the consequences?


Title: "Poetic Confessions"   
  
Author: Cassandra Mulder   
  
Rating: G   
  
Archive: Anywhere reputable, as long as you e-mail me about it first, and leave my name attached.   
  
Spoilers: A little of "Fight the Future". Nothing major though.   
  
Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me, they belong to Chris Carter. I think we can all accept that, and move on.   
  
Author's Notes: I started writing poetry, and I said, well, what if Scully really wrote this stuff? And Mulder found it? THAT would be interesting, so that's how I came up with the story.   
(More recent notes: I don't know why I never posted this here before, but I finally am. It's the first fanfic I *ever* wrote! LOL I can't believe it's only been over a year since I started writing fic! :)  
  
Feedback: Yes please! Love it, adore it, cherish it! dana_mulder31@hotmail.com  
  
*******************************************************   
"Poetic Confessions"   
February 12   
  
Scully rolled over in her bed, and rubbed her eyes. What in the WORLD was that incessant pounding?   
She finally realized it was at her door. "Oh great," she muttered. Here it was 10 a.m. on a Saturday, and somebody was pratically trying to break her door down. She was warm and comfortable, and she didn't want to move. But the pounding refused to stop, so she kicked off the covers, slid her feet into her slippers, threw her robe on, and made her way to the door.   
  
It was Mulder.   
  
Why am I not surprised? she thought to herself. Only HE would do this. But she tried desperately not to be angry with him, which was surprisingly easy. It was getting harder and harder to get mad at him these days, and stay mad for that matter.   
  
"Mulder,what are you doing here?" she inquired, only the slightest hint of exasperation in her voice.   
  
"Well, I was just out driving around, and I thought I'd stop by and see if you wanted to grab something to eat. Did I wake you?"   
  
"As a matter of fact you did. What are you doing out at ten o'clock on a Saturday morning anyway? You could be sleeping in." Like I was, she thought.   
  
"Scully, you know I don't sleep much."   
  
Then why does he always look so good? she asked herself. OH NO! her mind told her. Don't you dare go there.   
  
"Uh, Mulder," she stammered trying to get her mind back on track, "why don't you come in instead of standing out there in the hallway?"   
  
He agreed, and walked into her apartment. "So, do you want to go somewhere, or should I just go away and leave you alone?" he asked, a hopeful look on his face.   
  
Well, I'll never be able to resist *that* look, she thought. So naturally, she gave in. Anyway, she didn't want to be "left alone" by him.   
  
"Sure Mulder, we can go somewhere. I'll have to take a quick shower and get dressed though. You mind waiting?"   
  
"No, that's fine."   
  
"Ok, well have a seat somewhere. I'll be a minute." And then she padded her way down the hall to her bathroom, with way too many thoughts running through her head. Thoughts she'd been trying to get rid of for weeks.   
**************************************************************   
Mulder went into the living room and sat down on Scully's couch.   
  
He wondered how she kept the place so nice and "homey". Of course, she was never home much.   
But that's *my* fault he thought. If I didn't haul her off to every corner of the earth on some case, she'd be at home more, she'd get more sleep, and she'd have a life. But because of me, she's probably just miserable.   
  
He had been torturing himself about these things for a long time now. In the beginning, all he had to worry about was himself. His need for the answers, his quest for the truth. But somewhere along the way, it had become *their* need for the answers, *their* quest for   
the truth. And the need to look out for her, and protect her sometimes outweighed everything else.   
  
The trouble was, he had quite a time trying to protect her, when she pretty much always refused   
his help. He could never help himself though. He always had to give it a shot at least, whether she liked it or not.   
  
And man, he thought to himself, she looked so cute standing there in her long pajamas, her hair all rumpled up. All flushed and fresh out of bed.   
  
But no, you can't have those thoughts, he reprimanded himself, it's not good for your working relationship. But what if I don't want just a working relationship?, he sighed.   
  
Scully was taking forever, and Mulder just sat there looking around. He finally spied her jacket thrown over the end of the couch. He noticed a small notebook almost falling out of the pocket. Picking it up to put it back in its proper place, he flipped through it, thinking it was probably her field notes.   
  
But he found something very different instead. He went through the pages more slowly now, in disbelief.   
  
Poetry. It was poetry, and from what he could gather, it was about them. He couldn't take her anywhere now, not with this new discovery. This was something he needed time to absorb. He wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything around her, with this knowledge.   
  
So, without thinking twice, he slipped the little notebook in his pocket, walked to the door, and silently locked and closed it behind him.   
  
I just hope she doesn't go looking for this anytime soon, he thought to himself.   
**************************************************************   
  
Scully finished drying her hair, and finally emerged from the bathroom.   
  
"Mulder, do you want something to drink or anything?" she asked as she made her way down the hall.   
  
No answer.   
  
"Mulder?" she called, puzzled. Walking into the living room, she saw he was no longer there. "Mulder, where are you? This really isn't funny. If you're hiding you might as well come out now."   
  
Still no answer.   
  
She searched the kitchen, the bedroom, the guest bedroom. He was nowhere to be found. She sighed. Just great.   
  
What now? she thought. Why would he just up and leave for no good reason?   
  
Mulder had done some strange things in his time, but why would he come over, invite her out, and then leave? WITHOUT HER!   
  
She wanted to scream. "How can any one man be so frustrating?" she said to herself.   
  
Well, you know what? she thought. I don't really care right now. I'm not going to get on his case for every nutty thing he does, because that's exactly what he wants me to do.   
  
So, still irritated, she stomped into the kitchen and poured herself some cereal.   
  
She went back into the living room, and plopped down on the couch, in front of the television. Between flipping the channels and eating, she was thinking of 101 ways to kill Mulder.   
  
I shouldn't let him upset me like this, she told herself. I don't know why he left, but maybe he had a good reason. Anyway, I'm not really mad at him anymore. I don't know why, but I'm not. I just love him and I can't help it anymore.   
  
Yeah, her mind told her, you can finally admit it to yourself, but not to him.   
  
She stopped channel surfing, and clicked the television off. There was never anything on on a Saturday morning anyway.   
  
She reached over to her jacket for her notebook. She groaned. Not there.   
  
It must've fallen on the floor, she thought. She got up and checked the area around the couch. It wasn't there either.   
  
She went and searched her bedroom, just in case. Not a trace of it anywhere. She went back to the living room, she just knew it had to be there somewhere. She was sure it had been in the pocket of her coat when she tossed it there the night before.   
  
And then it hit her. What if Mulder. . .? He would've been sitting on the couch waiting for her. . . She couldn't even process the thought.   
  
Oh my God! her mind screamed, what if that's why he left? And he took the notebook with him? "Oh my God," she said aloud, burying her face in her hands.   
**************************************************************   
  
Mulder entered his apartment as quickly as he could, almost tripping over his coffee table on the way to the couch. He removed the notebook from his pocket, and sat down.   
  
He took off his jacket and began to read the first page:   
  
"Forever"   
  
We have searched for the truth   
Waded through the lies   
And all the while I see the hurt   
In your sad hazel eyes   
The pain that they've caused you   
I can't take away   
Although I hope to help you through this   
A little day by day   
I'll always be your best friend   
Forever by your side   
When troubles start closing in   
Please don't run and hide   
Trust in me as I trust in you   
And together we will see this through   
Going forward until the end   
With the one I love, my life, my friend.   
  
Mulder took a deep breath. "With the one I love" resounded in his head. What did *that* mean? Just as a friend, or maybe something more?   
  
He flipped to the next page, and his latter suspicion couldn't help but be confirmed. For what was there before him could change both their lives forever. He read the next poem in shock:   
  
"When I Find A Way"   
  
Why can't I just look in your eyes   
And tell you I love you?   
Why are those 3 words so hard to say?   
Why are things always so difficult for me?   
I always tell my self I'll find a way.   
  
Find a way to tell you I love you   
I need you   
I can't live without you   
I don't know how I'll live another day   
If I'm not allowed to have you.   
  
To kiss you   
To touch you   
To feel your arms around me   
To feel the agony and the pain slip away   
As your love washes over me.   
  
Washes over me like a tidal wave   
Cleansing away the past   
Revealing the future of us   
The future only revealed at last   
When I find a way.   
  
He could hardly see straight now. How am I going to handle this? he thought, panicked. She's gonna notice this thing's missing sooner or later.   
  
"I've done it now," he muttered to himself. "My whole world might be about to crash down around me."   
**************************************************************   
Scully's mind was racing, she didn't know what to do. If she called him, he'd immediately know why, and if she drove to his apartment, she'd have to face him.   
  
Something she didn't know if she'd ever be able to do again.   
  
She felt like putting her fist through a wall.   
  
Why? she silenly screamed. How did this ever happen?   
  
She knew he had to have it, it wasn't anywhere in her apartment. And there was really no other logical reason Mulder would have left so suddenly, unless he'd swiped her notebook.   
  
A massive coronary was on the way if she didn't find out fast.   
  
Oh God, she thought, please get me out of this one. Why did I ever write that stuff? *How* did I ever write it? Why did I have to fall for him? When did "just friends" become not enough?   
  
It was like banging her head against a brick wall. All she was doing was hurting her brain, and not getting any answers.   
  
She was going to have to do what she feared most, she was going to have to call Mulder.   
  
With a deep sigh, Scully picked up the phone, and quickly dialed Mulder's number, before she could change her mind. She didn't know what she was going to say if he picked up, but it was already too late.   
  
"Hello?" his voice startled her out of her thoughts.   
  
"Mulder, it's me," she replied. "I, uh, I think you might have something that belongs to me."   
  
"Really?" he asked.   
  
She knew that tone, it was his best 'Scully, I'm innocent' voice. Only this time it wasn't working at all.   
  
Her heart was pounding, but she knew what she had to do.   
  
"Mulder, I'm coming over there. And when I get there, you better not have disappeared."   
  
With that, she slammed down the phone, grabbed her keys and jacket, and walked out the door.   
**************************************************************   
  
Oh boy, Mulder thought as soon as Scully hung up on him, she's gonna kill me now.   
  
Oh well, he told himself, if I'm gonna die, I might as well finish reading this. There's only one left anyway, he thought.   
  
"How Can I Tell Him?"   
  
The way he gazes at me   
His little boy grin   
He doesn't think I notice   
But I just hold it in   
The way his eyes will twinkle   
At the glimmer of my smile   
He doesn't know he makes my life   
A little more worthwhile.   
  
The things I haven't told him   
That I can't quite seem to say   
I hold them in my heart   
And I struggle everyday   
To find a way to let him know   
How much he means to me   
So the truth he'll finally know   
And these things he'll finally see.   
  
"Scully *is* going to kill me," he said to himself.   
  
That's what I get for trying to find out how she really feels about me.   
  
He couldn't have helped himself, he had waited years for what he had in his hands right now. And the chance to tell her he loved her had finally come around again, he'd be stupid to pass it up now.   
  
He had racked up enough times that he blew it, this opportunity had to count, he had to do things right this time. At least after Scully's rage subsided. That's what he was worried about first.   
  
Why should she be mad at me? he reasoned with himself. She apparently wanted me to know what she felt so badly. Of course the fact that I stole her notebook is going to count for alot of it. It shouldn't have even had to come to this, he thought miserably. I've told her I love her, I kissed her on New Year's Eve. But she always thinks I'm nuts, and I guess she always will. What does she want? A billboard? A sky writer? She always disregards whatever I do, or just pushes me away.   
  
But not this time, he thought. I'm gonna lock her in here with me until we get this thing straightened out once and for all.   
  
Just then there was a knock on his door.   
  
He took a deep breath and prepared for battle.   
**************************************************************   
Scully waited for Mulder to answer the door, when she really felt like bolting. "If he's not here, so help me God. . ."   
  
"Hi, Scully," Mulder said, finally opening the door.   
  
Oh great, she thought, the smug approach. Good thing there's no one here to stop me from belting him.   
  
She walked through the door thinking she might as well get this overwith, and get out.   
  
She spun around to face him. "All right Mulder, I'm gonna be straight up here. Did you take a small notebook out of my jacket pocket when you were at my apartment?"   
  
"Was it-" he paused, picking something up off his coffee table and holding it up, "about this big?" he questioned, a wicked smile on his face.   
  
Scully felt like screaming at him, but she had to keep her cool.   
  
She confidently marched right up to him, and attempted to take it away. But he snatched it up just before she could make contact.   
  
She gave up for the moment, at her height she'd never get up there.   
  
"Mulder, what are you doing?"   
  
"There's a few questions that need to be answered before you can have this back."   
  
"I don't have to answer anything. You stole my personal property. You're in the wrong. So you're the one who needs to be answering questions."   
  
"Such as?" he replied.   
  
"Such as, how did you wind up with that notebook? And whatever possessed you to take it in the first place?"   
  
"It was about to fall out of your pocket when I found it, and when I flipped through it the contents appeared quite interesting."   
  
"So you ran right home to read it, huh?"   
  
"Yeah."   
  
"Well thanks a lot, the damage has been done, so you can just give it back now."   
  
She was having an extremely hard time not yelling at him now. She was so frustrated. She didn't want to be standing here in his apartment, knowing he knew what he knew.   
  
Now everything could fall apart and there'd be no way to fix it.   
  
"Mulder, hand it over. I mean it.   
  
"No."   
  
"No? Are you just going to keep it forever?"   
  
"Yep," he replied, "at least until you admit to me what you said so many times in this little book."   
  
"Mulder, what do you want from me? Honestly," she sighed, swiping her hair out of her face.   
  
And then something came over her. "All right," she said staring straight at him. "I love you."   
**************************************************************   
  
He couldn't believe she had said it. The unthinkable had finally happened, and he was the happiest man on earth.   
  
But he wasn't going to let her off the hook that easily.   
  
"Ok," he said tossing the notebook to her.   
  
And then she completely lost it.   
  
"OK!?" she yelled. "I spill my proverbial guts, and that's all I get, ok?"   
  
Mulder had sat down on his couch, and propped his feet up on the coffee table. He was enjoying this.   
  
She's awfully cute when she's mad, he thought to himself.   
  
Of course, Scully looked like she was about to murder him, so he thought twice about being so smug.   
  
I wonder if she brought her gun, he thought.   
  
He stood up. "No, that's not all you get."   
  
"Then what?" she demanded.   
  
"Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to say that? Years. Practically all the time we've known each other. Ever since the first time I met you, I knew I wanted to protect you, take care of you. But you've never really let me. It's always 'Mulder, I'm fine', when most of the time you're really not. You remember when I told you that you made me a whole person? I meant that, Scully, and I still do. If anything ever happened to you, if you ever left, I wouldn't be myself anymore. Because you made me what I am right now, and if I lost you, I'd lose a part of myself. And I don't want that to happen. I love you too, Scully. No matter how many times you've been mad at me, or second-guessed me, or wanted to shoot me, I've loved you. I even loved you when you did shoot me," he smiled.   
  
Scully actually laughed at that, but then her face turned solemn again.   
**************************************************************   
  
She just stood there looking at him, trying to absorb and believe what he'd just told her. And trying not to cry. But the silent tears streamed down her face anyway.   
  
"Oh, Mulder," she said quietly, "how did this ever happen?"   
  
And why am I crying? she thought. I'm not supposed to cry.   
  
"I just, I-" she was having trouble getting anything out now. "I don't know why I don't let you in more often. If it doesn't make any sense to you, it makes even less to me. But you have to understand, in this line of work that I have chosen, I have to be able to protect myself. If I let you do it all the time, I might get sloppy, and something terrible might happen. And neither of us wants that."   
  
No, she told herself, that's not really it, that's no excuse. That's my logic talking, and I just need to tell it to shut up right now.   
  
"Mulder, you just don't know how badly I want to fall apart in your arms sometimes. But I stop myself. I know it's not the professional thing to do. Somewhere along the way though, I stopped thinking 'professionally'. At least outside of your prescence, and you might as well know that now. You know everything else," she sighed.   
  
"Scully, you don't have to be afraid of me, of what I might think. It's just me. It always has been, and you can tell me anything you want. But you seldom do, and I can't understand that. I guess we've both held back too many things, and now look where we are. And I don't know about you, but I don't want to be here anymore."   
  
And having said that, he closed the gap between them, and took her in his arms.   
  
She wanted nothing more than to stay there forever, she always felt so incredibly safe and warm when he held her. But even so, she tried to pull away. He wouldn't let her though.   
  
"Scully, look at me," Mulder told her.   
  
She looked up, somewhat reluctantly.   
  
"I'm never going to let you go again. I can't, because I would hate myself forever."   
  
And then he kissed her. A kiss that sent their respective worlds reeling. She didn't want him to stop. She only wanted to be right here, in this moment, with him forever. She was tired of lying, of hurting, and of pushing him away for so many years. She kissed him back with all her heart and soul. This is the way things should've been for years now, she thought.   
  
They finally pulled away, and he started to wipe away her tears. She hadn't realized she was still crying.   
  
"Everything's going to be fine," Mulder said.   
  
"I know," she replied. "How could things possibly change much? We already see each other practically every minute of every day now," she smiled.   
  
"Well. . ." Mulder said, smiling back, "some things will change." And he took her smiling face in his hands and kissed her again.   
**************************************************************   
  
February 14   
  
Mulder walked into his office Monday morning wondering where Scully was. He hadn't seen her since Saturday night.   
  
But what a wonderful night it had been. They had talked, and kissed, and held each other for hours.   
  
He was smiling as he sat down at his desk. She could still be puzzling, he had discovered, he hadn't had any contact with her since then, and it was killing him.   
  
Just then he saw her notebook lying on his desk in front of him. On top of it ws a simple note: There's a new addition on page 4. You might want to check it out.   
  
He opened the book to the designated page, and began reading.   
  
"Confession"   
  
I love him   
And I told him so   
He said he'd never let me go   
He kissed me   
And he dried my tears   
He held me close to calm my fears   
He told me that he loved me too   
And that there's nothing he wouldn't do   
To keep me always by his side   
Through good and bad   
If worlds collide   
The bond between us   
Safe and strong   
I don't know why it took so long   
To tell him what I really feel   
A love so strong   
A truth so real   
That never again will we be apart   
I gave him my love   
And he gave me his heart.   
  
He looked up from the poem to see Scully smiling in the doorway.   
  
"That's why you didn't see me yesterday," she said.   
  
He smiled back. "You aren't thinking of quitting your day job are you? This is pretty good."   
  
"Well, thank you, Mulder. But, no I'm not."   
  
"Good, 'cause I wouldn't want to have to quit my job, so I could sit around and watch you write all day."   
  
"Yeah, like you'd really do that."   
  
"I'd do anything you wanted me to, Scully. You know that."   
  
"I know. But I hope you liked your Valentine's present, because that was it."   
  
"It's Valentine's Day? Oh yeah, that's right." He pulled something out from under his desk.   
  
"I loved mine, here's yours."   
  
She laughed. "Why am I not surprised?"   
  
It was a small heart shaped box of chocolates, with little green aliens on the front. The caption read, "You're out of this world".   
  
"Mulder, have I ever told you you're the corniest person I know?" she asked, trying not to laugh harder.   
  
"But that's why you love me right?" he replied walking over and kissing her.   
  
"Well, one of the reasons anyway. Happy Valentine's Day, Mulder."   
  
"Happy Valentine's Day, Scully."   
  
THE END ;)   



End file.
